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An Interview With Barbara Bartlein About Why Did I Marry You Anyway?To schedule an interview with Barb, please call (888) 747-9953 CST or e-mail at barb@whydidimarryyouanyway.com Click here to read press releases and view photos. What inspired you to write a book about marriage? During twenty years of marriage counseling and working with clients, I noticed that most couples had similar problems in regards to their relationships. They would describe conflicts over money, sex, parenting, in-laws and family. Struggling to make their marriages work, they found that they did not have the tools to solve the problems and did not know where to look for answers. Too often, I discovered that couples ended their marriages when they really wanted to make them work. Indeed, I believe over half of those currently getting divorced could save their marriages with additional help. The tools, techniques and interventions that I found most effective for couples are compiled in Why Did I Marry You Anyway? presented in a humorous, easy to read format for readers. In this era of living together, single parenting, and non-traditional families, is the traditional marriage still a viable option? More than 85% of Americans get married, at least once. People still want to get married and stay married. In fact, according to a study by Family Service of America, more than 70% of adult Americans believe that "marriage is a lifelong commitment." Interestingly, even 81% of divorced and separated Americans still believe marriage should be for life. Yet, over half of marriages end in divorce. Why is marriage so important? Married folks are happier than their single counterparts. They report less depression, less anxiety and lower levels of other types of psychological distress than do those who are single, divorced, or widowed. Marrieds are also healthier and live longer than their single counterparts. Non-marrieds have significantly higher rates of mortality; 50% higher among women and 250% high among men. Researchers have found that there are even positive effects from the "nag factor." This is, the routine nagging that spouses do to encourage a positive lifestyle and decrease destructive habits such as smoking or drinking to excess. A healthy marriage may also be the starting point for a growing net worth. Not only is divorce very costly in the short run; the long-term effects of not being married dramatically affects how financially secure you become. The longer people stay married, the greater their wealth accumulations. At retirement, a typical married couple has accumulated about $410,000 compared to about $167,000 for never married, about $145,000 for divorced and just under $96,000 for the separated. There are also dramatic effects on children when parents divorce. A 1997 study of children's time use found that children in one-parent families got about nine hours less from their mothers and about thirteen hours less from either parent per week than did children in two-parent families. Why aren't marriages working? We require training for most jobs, education to drive a car, yet we receive little or no preparation for marriage. Ideally we should be able to learn about marriage from our parents, but with the divorce rate at an all time high, what many people learn is to get out at the first sign of trouble. Marriage seems to be disposable in our throwaway culture. We are bombarded with Mythinformation about love with movies like Sleepless in Seattle and An Affair to Remember, that give the impression that "Love is All You Need," like the Beatles sang. Even those seeking help for a troubled marriage may discover competent assistance difficult to find. Many therapists are not trained in marital therapy and too often view divorce as a positive life style option and a path to fulfillment and personal growth. They may urge clients to "follow your feelings," and "do what is best for you." Though well meaning, they play cheerleader for the divorce culture and promote "therapist assisted marriage suicide." For marriages to be successful, couples need to have the tools to make it work. What is the number one Myth that sabotages marriages? People mistakenly believe that marriage is based on love. They chase the love, the feeling, like that is the glue to a relationship. Many do not even know the difference between love and infatuation, confusing the endorphin high of physical attraction with mature love. They are mistakenly convinced that if they love each other enough, then it will work. Marriage is not based on love'it is based on trust and commitment. If you work on these two elements, the love will grow. Too often, couples have this backwards; they think that if you build the love, the commitment will grow. It is the opposite. Work on trust and commitment and love will flourish in your relationship. What is some of the other MythInformation that couples must overcome? People believe the fantasy that if they meet the "right" person, they will live happily ever after. Marriage is more about being the "right" person than finding the "right" person. Partners mistakenly believe that "good intentions count." They don't. Only action makes the difference. Spouses need to be able to trust that their partner will do what they say. Some couples believe the myth that "being in love, means never saying you are sorry." A left-over from Love Story and other romantic literature, this myth aggravates misunderstandings and disagreements. A mature marriage requires saying you are sorry on a regular basis and not always worrying about who was "right." How can couples improve their marriages? Give us examples of some of the strategies they can use.
Final Thoughts It pays to work on your marriage. While divorce may appear easy, splitting does not seem to make adults happy. According to new research on happiness and divorce, two thirds of unhappy spouses who stayed with their marriage instead of divorcing were happy five years later. Of those unhappy spouses leaving the marriage, only half were happy after five years. While the assumption has always been that getting out of an unhappy marriage will make you happier, it appears this is not true. Instead of chasing happiness and a romantic love, focus on being the best person you can and built the trust and commitment. Barbara Bartlein, RN, LCSW, author of Why Did I Marry You Anyway? 12.5 Strategies for a Happy Marriage (and the MythInformation that gets in the way). Cumberland House Press, 2003. Barbara can be reached for interviews at: |
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