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Excerpt Chapter 2I Can Never Count on You.Strategy #2: Create a Climate of Trust to Grow Your LoveIt took me about three years to start trusting Charlie. Not because he wasn't trustworthy, he was. In fact, he would constantly surprise and amaze me. He showed up for dates and called when he said he would. At times, I would confront him. Why are you calling? And he'd calmly remind me, "Because I said I would." Oh, that's right. You said you would. This behavior was new and seemed very foreign. It was what some call "normal." I didn't know what normal was. It was clear to me that I was "recovering" from years of distrust from investing in untrustworthy people. I had so little experience with men who did what they said they were going to do. After all, Dad left. And my relationships had been disasters. I already told you about mountain man but I didn't really tell you the whole story. I didn't tell you that all my future dreams were linked to him. I left out that we bought a house together with all the appliances, including a washer and dryer. (My first washer/dryer, by the way.) I omitted the fact that I had already picked out a pattern for my wedding dress and planned to embroider roses and flowers around the hem with silk thread. I had my heart in this relationship and perhaps just a bit of my soul. It's not that I didn't suspect something was wrong. I did. I could feel it. It seemed that he had gotten awfully close with one of my friends, but after all, she was happily married. I tried to talk with him about it, hesitantly asking, are you involved with her? He rolled his eyes and said, "How could you even suggest such a thing?" But, then why did I feel so funny when they were both in the room? I tried to talk with her only to hear her expound on the value of open marriage, a concept popularized at that time through a book written by a husband-wife team. The basic premise of Open Marriage was that it was fine to be married, but there was no reason to have it exclusive. It was perfectly OK to see other people; in fact it would enhance your marriage if you did so. (The authors have since gotten divorced, by the way.) You would have thought that I would figure things out at this point, but after all she was one of my best friends. Best friends don't sleep with your fiancé no matter what book is popular at the time. MythInformation #10 It's Me. I Must Be Crazy.
At this point, it was clear to me that I was simply crazy. How could I ever suspect such a thing from two of the people in my life that I cared so much about? I was simply hallucinating; not seeing reality, letting my imagination get the best of me, almost paranoid, for heaven's sake. I had obviously moved into another dimension, The Twilight Zone of relationships. I could imagine Rod Serling with a cigarette in his hand, standing off to the side of my living room. "Barbara thinks she understands what is happening and what is her reality. But she has traveled to another dimension - The Twilight Zone." Like the episode of several people living in a small rural town with identical houses and perfect landscaping. It looks like Paradise, except sometimes the residents hear the laughter of children in the distance. One morning, a man leans too hard against a tree and it tumbles over. In panic, the people realize that the trees are artificial built on wooden stands. They begin to examine their houses more closely and find they aren't real either. They have fake finishes and non-working appliances. Suddenly, a large hand comes out of the sky and picks up one of the people. They are simply play toys in a dollhouse village for giant children. What appeared to be their lives was not real at all. This is the way it is when there is not trust in a relationship. You begin to question your reality; what you are seeing, what you are hearing, and what it means. Your esteem crumbles as you second-guess your intuition and yourself. If it's not them, it must be you. You feel powerless, like a play toy in a fake set, to understand the truth and what is happening. You start to feel insane, but it really isn't you. It's living without trust. The lies put you in another dimension that makes you crazy. Of course, it soon became all too clear that my fiancé and best friend were involved. They had been sleeping together for some time. She was planning to leave her husband and move in with my fiancé. So much for our house. Sell the washer/dryer. Forget the embroidery. My world collapsed. I had given him my heart thinking of a future, and now I couldn't see a future at all. It reminds me of my first car, a Volkswagen Bug, that I bought when I was twenty-five years old. I saved for months to buy the car with $500.00. The first thing I did was purchase an elaborate car stereo (with a cassette deck and four speakers) and had it installed. That car with its sound system was my pride and joy. It wasn't much; but it was mine and I had waited for it a long time. One day, my sister borrowed the car to go to the store. Upon her return, I proudly asked, "What did you think of the sound system?" "What sound system?" "What do you mean, what sound system? The radio in the dash with cassette deck and four quad speakers." "There was no radio in the dash. Just a hole, with wires hanging out." Panicked, I ran to the car and confirmed what I already feared. Indeed, someone had hastily stolen the car stereo and ripped out the speakers leaving large, gapping holes with frayed edges and hanging wires. I realize a VW Bug isn't very much. I know it's not a Lexus or Mercedes. But it was all that I had. It was everything to me. It is like that with the heart. Maybe the relationship didn't mean as much to him. I guess it's obvious it didn't. But it meant a lot to me. I had given it all that I had. I had given my heart and let him peer in my soul. And after the lies, after the deceit, all that was left was a large wound with frayed edges. These types of wounds take a long time to heal. MythInformation #11 Little White Lies Don't Matter
You don't need infidelity to feel crazy. There are many other ways that trust gets trampled in a relationship. Addictions are notorious trust destroyers. Whether alcoholism, drug addiction or gambling, addiction always includes an element of lying that erodes the relationship as surely as infidelity. Welcome to the Twilight Zone. It may begin with little lies, such as; "I only had one drink." "I didn't go to the Casino tonight." "I had to work late." The addicted person may begin to believe that "little white lies" don't really matter. In fact, they are just protecting their spouse so they don't get upset. But, after years of deceit, reality becomes very murky. The couple gets so used to living with lies that they wouldn't know the truth if it was wrapped up and rung the doorbell. I let couples know that the "white lies" do matter. That without trust, their love will never grow. That they both have to work on it, be committed to it and study hard. I tell them, the world is crazy enough. You do not need it at home. There are plenty of people that will misrepresent the truth to sell you a used car, or a Ginsu knife. You do not need one in your bed. At home, you need someone to count on. |
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