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Excerpt Chapter 1Why Did I Marry You Anyway?Strategy #1: Build Commitment to Strengthen Your MarriageI guess you could say I was an old maid. Well, maybe not by today's standards, but this was the '70's. I was almost thirty years old and still single. Not just single, completely single. No boyfriend, no prospects and shocked with the realization that the best relationship I had had so far was the one with my cat, Whiskers. I could picture myself twenty years from now feeding a dozen cats dressed in a baggy Muumuu with my hair in brush rollers. Most of my high school chums were already married, (some also divorced). My older brother, cousins and neighborhood friends were married. I had even heard that the thin, homely, girl with protruding teeth who sat next to me in high school chemistry was married, following expert orthodontics after graduation. Now I was sitting at my younger sister's wedding in a long, formal "maid" of honor dress, between Aunt Bertha and Uncle Stuart. I knew what was coming. "And where is your special young man?" started Aunt Bertha. Smiling weakly, I replied, "Just haven't found the right one, yet." "That" a girl," interrupted Uncle Stuart. "Don't just settle for anyone. Only the best for my favorite niece." "Well, I can't believe a gal as pretty as you can't find a husband," said Aunt Bertha. "Maybe she doesn't want a husband," Uncle Stuart responded. "Of course she wants a husband. Everyone wants to be married." "Not everyone," Uncle Stuart starting laughing. "And just what do you mean by that?" "Nothing, dear." Uncle Stuart gives me a wink. Sighing, Aunt Bertha says, "Sometimes I wonder, 'why did I marry you anyway'?" At that point, I quickly made my getaway. Carefully avoiding the "singles" (losers) table, I leaned against the wall by the dance floor to survey for opportunities. Glancing down on my yellow, crêpe dress, I noticed that there was a pronounced swirl of dried green frosting streaking the front. No wonder, I'm standing here alone, I thought, I resemble a frosted donut. Aunt Bertha was right. It would be nice to find someone. She should know. Married for over forty years, she and Uncle Stuart were devoted to each other and had always seemed happy. It would be nice to find a relationship like that. It wasn't that I hadn't been looking. I looked at college, at work, on the street, in bars, cafés, and restaurants. I explored opportunities on mass transit including buses, trains, shuttles and airplanes. I went on arranged dates, blind dates and disaster dates. I even allowed my mother to set me up with a friend's son who they assured me was "perfect." Yes, perfectly awful, thank you very much. After listening to him discuss Guernsey cows for three hours, I had him take me home. Now there is nothing wrong with Guernsey cows, but I've lived my whole life in the city. I barely know the difference between a Guernsey and a Great Dane. I was looking for love. The kind of love that I saw in movies, read and dreamed about. Totally convinced that if I met the "right person," the sparks would fly and my life would be perfect. We would get married and live happily ever after. I didn't know then what I know now after twenty years of marriage and counseling hundreds of couples. MythInformation #1 There has to be sparks or it's not love.
I, like many, had limited knowledge about love, often confusing infatuation for the deeper bond of love. I wanted that invigorating charge of a new relationship and convinced myself that this was "true" love. I embarked on a series of liaisons that could be best described as "Loser Alley," seeking security and stability with the men least likely to provide it. I used to say that if there was a loser in a room, he Velcro'd himself to me. Looking back, I probably met some nice guys from time to time, but I was certain to fly by them as soon as possible. After all, they were boring. There wasn't any excitement. No high. No instant attraction. I often have couples come in for therapy concerned because they have lost the passionate "high" of when they first got together. They wonder if they have "fallen out of love." Or even worse, were never "in love." I explain to them the feelings when they first met were due, at least in part, to chemicals. Current research into the chemistry of love shows we actually get "high on drugs" when we are first attracted to someone because of the release of serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine in the brain. These neurotransmitters contribute to a rosy outlook on life, increased energy, and excitement. As couples immerse themselves in the relationship and focus on each other these "love feelings" emerge. They become convinced that they have found the perfect person who can meet all their needs. The chemical rush of early love is exhilarating and exciting, leading them to believe that "nothing" could change their feelings or burst the bubble of romantic bliss. I carefully explain that these feelings are probably infatuation and not the kind of love that grows in marriage. They look at me with disbelief and confusion as I start discussing the difference between infatuation and love. Before they can ask for their money back, I hand them a copy of the comparison listed below. I have had it for many years, (it was actually taped on my refrigerator during the years of "Loser Alley"). I find that it is still true. Love Vs. InfatuationInfatuation: is instant desire; it's one set of glands calling to another. After most couples read it, I can see the disappointment on their faces. They display, perhaps, a hint of longing to sign up for a marriage retreat on an Andes hilltop walking with monks and meditating at some ancient burial site, instead of coming to see me. They came to couple's counseling to "get back" the magic and excitement only to hear that this isn't the stuff of marriages. They want the perfect romance with the music and fireworks only to learn that marriage is more like a quiet evening listening to crickets. I tell them clearly, so they understand, that infatuation does not last. It can be the start of something real, a love that grows, but this growth takes effort. It does not "magically" happen. To build the structure for something more concrete than a flirtation or fling means focusing on the foundation of the relationship. This is not what they came to hear. |
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